The Cardigan

I remember my first time i stood in the dock. I was in my school uniform. I was 13 years old. My mother felt ashamed and proud at the same moment. I felt scared. But proud also because you see. I hadn't committed a crime. I was taking the blame for my sister, to stop her going to prison (again). It started with a trip to the court for my sisters shoplifting hearing, I tagged along, I can't remember why I wasn't at school, maybe it was half term, or maybe because it was my birthday. My sister stood in front of the judge, the judge was lenient he gave her a chance to "prove herself". We walked into the town after court, and had a look around the shops, I didn't see her do it, I was naive, but my sister stole a cardigan from new look, we got chased down the street, she dropped a bag, I picked it up, she got away, I got grabbed. The police released me an hour later, I think thet knew it wasn't me, but I had a court date none the less. My sister was waiting for me at the train station, we got on the train all the while I refused to talk to her, to even look at her. But she kept giggling at me, trying to tell me something, she's 8 years older than me, and I really looked up to her. But I was so upset that she would steal something minutes after being given a chance. I flew into a rage, I pulled at her hair, hitting wherever I could. The train conductor had to tear us apart. Then she told me that she only wanted to get me something for my birthday. The cardigan was for me. Then I felt guilty for being angry. My emotions were all over the place. This is a huge memory for me although i dont remember it perfectly. But I think about that little girl stood in the dock , taking a charge for something I didn't do, feeling proud for doing what I felt was the right thing, but was clearly the wrong thing on so many levels. Feeling guilty about feeling an emotion that was justified and my heart goes out to that confused little girl, she will now know that its ok to feel that wrong is wrong and right is right. Ill make sure of that.
Thanks to writing this truth, it released another trauma that I didn't realise needed healing and letting go of. And it started with the lost boy story. Reading about gareth beating his brothers door down, triggered that memory in me. Thanks gareth another example of you helping me heal 🙏 xx🫶xx

Sian Williams