The Lost Boy - Chapter 5 – part four- Internet Addiction!

Now, it may be a bit extreme to call this an addiction, but in terms of escape — it served the same purpose. The moment I sat in front of that screen, I was away. Mentally gone. Somewhere else entirely. And in that world, I was able to present a version of myself I liked.

I’m not saying I wasn’t myself — but I could certainly hide the bits I didn’t like so much from the ones I chatted to online.

It started with chat rooms. Endless ones. Different platforms, usernames, conversations. The attention felt good. The disconnection from real life felt even better. I became someone else — or rather, a filtered version of myself. Sharper. Wittier. More confident. The kind of person I wished I could be face-to-face.

And then came online porn. That, too, took hold. The more time I spent scrolling and scouring, the more absurd the searches became. It’s not the biggest part of this chapter, but it deserves mention. It was part of the spiral. A different kind of hit. A private escape.

Maybe someone reading this will relate. Maybe it’s just something I need to get off my chest. Probably both.

But either way — this was another phase of escape. Another attempt to lose myself.

As with the speed, this ran parallel with that whole section. I’d spend time online, time getting high, time socialising. As one would decrease, the other would take over. And that happened in a particular order — first the friends and partying, then the speed days, and then merging into internet life.

And it wouldn’t be long before the online world led to something more real… or at least something that felt like it. Connections with real people. Or people I thought were real. They weren’t always.

I hadn’t heard the term "catfish" until years later — but that definitely happened to me. Maybe more than once.

There were a few online relationships I formed that meant something to me. One was with this girl, Claire. Looking back, that wasn’t her name. Chances are she wasn’t even a woman — but I don’t know. What I do know is I spent hours chatting to her.

We met in a chat room but moved to MSN. Ha — MSN! That’s funny thinking back.

She told me she lived in London, had two kids, and relationship issues with her mum. She smoked weed. That was an instant connection that I liked. I would get so excited about speaking with her — sharing our days, experiences, what shit was going on, and of course getting to know one another. It never seemed to end.

I really liked her. So much.

But one day she just disappeared. I’d tried to speak to her on webcam, but she always hid — even if she did put the camera on. I think the most I ever saw was a poor-quality image of a hand holding a joint — that would disappear and reappear, burning a bit brighter each time.

I was so hurt when she left. Devastated. I searched and scoured for her all over the place — every chat room I thought I might find her in. It took me so long to accept that loss.

Crazy, isn’t it?

But it was so real to me.

There was another one I met, and we got on well. She stood me up the first time we were supposed to meet. I was so fucked off — but not enough to stop chatting and try again. We met the second time. I travelled to her, she met me, and I went and stayed at hers for a couple of days.

I remember going to Asda, and her buying some bits for me to cook us dinner. Nothing special — pasta with some jar sauce. I thought that was great though. How embarrassing looking back. She seemed happy enough. She had two kids.

I’m not sure how many times we met, but we were seeing each other for a bit. I don’t even know how that ended — but it did. She ended up with one of my friends, which I found strange but didn’t really think too deeply about.

And then there was the one I moved away to live with.

It didn’t quite go like that, mind you!

This one was lush. The chats we had were like the ones with Claire — that same excitement. I remember meeting this one in a chat room. I’m pretty sure she spoke to me first, which was so rare for chat rooms — it was normally the lads chasing hard!

She commented on my username: drunkenmonkey06. She said it was funny. I don’t remember the rest of the conversation, but I do remember receiving the first picture from her. I can still see that picture vividly. And how self-conscious she was about sending it.

We chatted for some time, and eventually I arranged to go and meet her. I got the coach up to the Midlands, and she happened to live near where my dad lived. On this visit, I managed to tie in a visit with my dad. We’d arranged that before I went — I’d spend a day or two with her, then with Dad, before either going back to hers or heading back down south. I’m sure it was the former, but I can’t be 100% sure.

That is actually the end of this chapter. Somewhere around here — and as is common in this story — the details around the change are very blurry. In fact, I don’t remember.

I’m not sure if I returned down south this time or not. I just know that my next strong memory — and certainly my next chapter — begins in my head directly after here.

So for now, I’ll leave it here.

The end of Southampton — and how that end came about.